my head hurts from crying

Hi, My head hurts from crying so much. When does it stop? I have been told this will get easier and in a few ways I am adjusting but my life is not normal at all. We are trying to figure out what normal is, what normal looks like, how to deal with all this sadness. When will we be happy again? Why did Cash have to have SMA? Why us? Why both of us? Why our son?We are seeing a therapist, and then another one tonight who knows us very well. And trying another form of therapy on Friday night. This is HARD WORK!!!

Stripe and I went to the vet today to get some shots. I had flashbacks of taking Cashie to the Doctors or even going to the Doctors myself all last year. Thank God it was a nice vet. I held it together until I got home. Then I talked to Page and broke down, again. Can't even make it to lunch with Annie. Can't do it today. This is rough.

We are still here, struggling. Please pray for us and our baby in heaven.

Cash's Mommy

made it thru

Today was a better day. I laughed today. My crew is amazing , I feel blessed to do what I do as a vacation.....plus there was this orange cat named Brody who hung out with me all day. Thank you for your prayers. That's the best medicine, it really helps. I also saw a Hawk. My best friend Tami, is back from her trip to maine. It just feels safer knowing she is 5 mins away.
Cash's mommy

Memorial Fund Update

Well, Holly Anderson just let me know that we have raised over $5, 000 so far for the Cash's Garden Fund. Thank you everyone for sending in checks. We are on our way to making this dream a reality.

We are doing ok, by that I mean, we are going to work, trying to fix our broken DVD player, getting therapy and exercise. Jane, my older sister was just here for 5 days. It was a great visit and I miss her already. Someone to make me eat regularly , someone to talk to about the Spiritual aspects of my Son, just someone to cry with during the day. It's hard to be alone during the day while working and need to cry and need to also function. There are many days I don't want to get out of bed but do. I know I am feeling down and that has never been a part of who I am. Never. It is like a part of me has gone. I pray it comes back.

Please say extra prayers for us today.

Cash's Mommy

MOOOOOSE

We saw Cash the other day, actually saw him 2 times. He let us know that our scary move back to Maine was right by standing right by the side of route 302 on top of Mount Washington with a baby moose. We were moving all our stuff last weekend over to Maine and BOOM there he was, lots of cars around to make us slow down and see the beauty, then on our way back to Vermont to close on our house when we were asking ourselves " Why are we doing this ???" we saw that same baby moose-only one car was stopped and he was about 10 feet from our car! It was like Cash was saying" Auntie Trish, this is your dream and remember the biggest risk in life is the one you don't take" Thanks so much Cash for giving me the strength to go forward with life. I know that if I can feel it all the way here in New England so strongly your folks must just get bowled over by your presence all around them. Love you!!!

Cash and tracey in Africa

Dear Page and Teri,

Greetings from Ndola , Zambia ! I tried to post something on the blog… and I just can’t figure out how to do it (feeling like a techno “old lady”).

Just want to let you know how much I have been thinking of you all. The other day we had a meeting with 18 of the women that work for “living compassion” in our school/food program and Jen asked them how many had lost a child. 16 of them raised their hand. 16 out of 18 of the women had lost at least one child, many had lost multiple children and most of them had lost their husbands. I immediately thought of the two of you… the huge difference here is that these women have a lot of support in that they can relate on this grieving process with each other daily. And I realized that the amount of peer support, the kind in which friends have had a direct experience of what you all have gone through is minimal if not absent. Made me realize how alone you must feel at times (and not from a lack of people, just lack of close relationships that have had the same experience of a loss of a child). And the whole thing has just left me holding you both in my heart throughout my days here and including you in the celebration of life that continues to be a part of the lives here.

I am attaching a picture taken the other morning. The area we are working in, kantolombe is a slum outside of the city of ndola , where there is no medical center, no electricity, no clean water and a high rate of malnutrition and disease. Last week an American doctor visiting from Botswana saw some of our folks and there were two that she suggested get to a Dr. immediately, one with severe abdominal pain and one with a HUGE sore on her leg. So I took them to a clinic, and it appears that the girl with the abdominal pain has abdominal TB and the one with the sore, Purity, has to go in every day this month for cleaning and packing of the sore. And in the last days we discovered 2 more with sores on their legs, so there are three of them that are going in to the clinic daily. The cleaning is so intense - they all scream and cry - it appears to be modern torture - and there is no other way. Two of them have infection under the skin around the sore which they scrape with razor blades and then the cleaning itself seems to be like putting acid on open wounds. It is amazing the motherly instinct that comes out in me - I feel like I would do anything for these girls ( 10yrs, 43 yrs, 14 yrs). Being in the medical arena seems to dissolve any barriers of culture, language and separateness for me, I just feel their humanness and hearts and feel like I would do anything it would take to help them move through the pain that will lead the road back to their health. The first day with Purity as I held her hand, rubbed her head and just put my hand behind her heart while she was going through her first treatment (she is 14) - I had a hard time not letting the tears just fall. The insanity of the unavailability of health care and the unnecessary pain deeply affected me. The sores that these girls have are a tropical disease caused by an insect bite. after the insect bites there is a pimple sort of thing and then without care they grow - and for Purity - hers she has had for a year, and it is about 3 1/2 inches in diameter (it is huge). If these girls had care form the beginning the process would be so simple - but instead - they grow and for Purity and Regina the deterioration is so close to the bone that without immediate care the infection would move into the bone which would result in an amputation at some point.

Having this medical experience has been so rich in that I realize when you take everything else away, really all there is to live for is Love. And Teri and Page, the love you embodied as parents inspires me to love these others who don’t necessarily have parents to love and care for them. And for that, together, we are making a difference in this world.

Lots of love,

Tracey

ps. we have been blogging while we are here, if you want to check it out, go to:
http://www.livingcompassion.org/africa/0707blog.html

What a Big Life it is

So last night Page and I were talking about this week: the 2 month marking of Cash passing(7/14) and his 6 month bday(7/18). I was saying to Page about what a big day yesturday was and what a big week it was. And as my wonderful husband responded " What a big Life it is."

You know, I have no idea or at least my ideas I am not able to share so publically right now , as to the why's of Cash passing. Why SMA, why us? I do know that my son is guiding me to be a better, healthier, stronger person than I ever knew I could be. Cash is a powerhouse.

This Am I was trying to take Spider for a run...which he and I both needed. Stripe was not going to be left alone at the house. He was whining as I shut the door and then not 5 seconds later Stripe jumped thru the front window screen and out onto the sidewalk to be with his mom and brother . Needless to say, We ended up talking a walk with the Stripe too. It's funny how much I need my son and then Stripe will bust through the window and show me how much he needs me.

Please keep reading, posting , calling.......it all means so much.It helps us to handle and walk thru this BIG LIFE we are living.

xo, Cash's mommy

Happy 6 months Cashie

So today Cash would have been 6 months old. It didn't hit me until I opened the paper up this AM. I had to count the months on my fingers to make sure I was right. 6 months ago I gave birth to a miracle. My heart and soul. It still seems amazing to me that I get to sleep a little bit more, that he's not right beside me in his bassinet or on my chest sleeping. And then I look over the side of the bed and there is Stripe who sleeps beside me now.
I really have no idea what I am doing, how I am moving on when I don't know what to do daily with myself. I keep asking for help and keep putting one foot in front of another. It has nothing to do with being strong.....it has to do with survival. I am just so emotionally fragile and really can only do so much. I get tired and then , well then it all gets even harder.
I am sorry if I have yet to return you emails or calls. I am trying. Please have patience.
I was talking to Spider yesterday about what we were doing 1 year ago...he and I were taking lots of naps due to the heat and my being pregnant. This year we are not taking as naps at all due to Stripe and it's scary to sleep sometimes.
We both hope that next summer will be different and we can be happy again, take a nap or two and hopefully have a baby(somehow) on the way to our home.
At my Mommy class there were a few little babies that were 6 months old when I met them. I remember thinking Cashie will be able to hold his head up by six months, he'll be that big. He'll play with his toys like those other boys are. Now I picture Cashie playing with all his trucks and other little boys that are able bodied and he is smiling and happy.
I miss my baby so much. Please be kind to me today universe. It's a big day.
Cash's Mommy

Cash on the Roaring Fork River!

Last weekend we took one of Cash's little buddies, Cullin Lawhon, down the Roaring Fork River. Cullin was ready to hit the water but was a little aprehensive. We suited him up, put him on the raft and he wasn't a happy man. However, within a little while he began to chill out and started to enjoy the ride. By the end of the day he was loving it! I know that Cash was there with him - giving him that little dose of bravery (something that Cash knows a lot about) to make it down the river. Cash is all arond us, giving us what we need when we need it most. His courage and might will always be a force for us all. I know that Cullin was glad to have him along....Thank you, Cash!

We love you guys!

A+B=C

glass half full

What am I doing? That's what I ask myself a lot these days. it's hard to keep going when my heart is so broken.....and then a nice person will share something with me and I see that I am here on Earth for some purpose...and I need to keep remembering that my glass is half full.

I just miss Cash so much. Grief is a tough one, to still try and be a part of the daily life I lead(being a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, owning a business, being a boss, being a heart broken Mommy) you know sometimes I ask God Why? and then sometimes i just so THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!!

I have had many emails and calls this week from dear people sharing their life stories with me and friends that say they read the blog all the time. That makes me feel great that this is being read.

More of our neighbors are coming out to express how sorry they are for us. It really helps me feel safer in this world when the people we live next to are aware of what 's going on.

I went to Winter Park today to see my favorite singer ever-Slaid Cleaves. It was a tough trip and a good trip. trying to take care of what I really need and not care about what anyone else does is a tough one for me....so today was a big step. This week was a big for me. I also stood up to someone who I have let has in the past really do a number on me....but I stood up to her and told her to never speak to me again in the way that she did. Scary but necessary.

I thought I had a good backbone before now I am starting to realise how strong it is. Watch out world!

My glass is half full.it has to be.Cash wouldn't have it any other way. God bless my son. God bless all you who love us. God bless my broken heart.

Cash's Mommy

1 in 4

Yesterday we went to see the parenatologist. He clearly outlined the odds of us conceiving another child with SMA (1 in 4). It was hard to be right next to the room where we found out Cash was going to be Cash and not Lila. The odds also give us something concrete to wrap our minds around and begin to make decisions or at least have conversations.

I think that we will be provided with signs about what to do. Like last night it rained, we saw someone from our birthing class, and there was a Muhammad Ali fight on where we were having dinner. It's clear to me, Cash is with us. It's also just plain old exhausting and there's no guide book or anything to help you find your way. That's why it's been good to talk with other folks who have been our position. Though it's always a leap of faith, there's other people out there who can help provide some insight from experience.

As always your calls help a ton. Just to check in. If you see signs of Cash out there please let us know. It's great to hear all the place's he's been.

All our Love,

Cash's Daddy

Hope for us

We found a group that makes some sense. Last night Page and I went to a Colorado SIDS group. Even though the diagnosis and circumstances around the children's passing may be different we were surrounded by parents who also have lost their infant. It was heart wrenching, uplifting, so sad and yet so helpful all at the same time. I am kind of exhausted today and in a way I feel we have taken a big step down that winding road. The people we are meeting on this path ....it's like: wow, you are so nice, so glad to have met you and yet I wish I never had to meet you at all.

There is hope though. There just has to be. I cried all day yesterday and only once so far today. I actually laughed with my dear friend Jennifer at lunch today. Laughed.......I have to believe that there is a plan for the three of us. And it's a good plan.

It's amazing to me how people find out and contact us. Dear friends from high school/college that I haven't spoken to in years have called, emails, sent cards, read the blog........My kid is a powerhouse. I believe he was sent here to change the world.
all my love to everyone who is reading......
cash's mommy

My son Cash-day he was born

Meet Cash right when he was born. I look at this and see what a fighter he was. He came early and was so perfect. I was so scared . You may have received your postcard in the mail this week or last. We are trying to get the word out that the Memorial Fund for Cash's Garden is set and running at The Children's Hospital Foundation. Info about the how to's and where are listed above.

We are struggling. My tears flow all the time, I get a break at times during the day, but then it hits all over again. People said when we first got home from the hospital that this was going to be a long road, I did not want to think that would be us...well...almost 7 weeks out and it's a long long bumpy windy dark road that we are trying to navigate...but there is no map for this.

We desperately want to find some couple to talk to that has walked this walk before us and gone on to have more children. A couple that lost their first child when it was an infant....we feel like the only couple on the planet sometimes that lost their first kid.

Cash is with me everyday. He lets me know he's around. I see Butterflies all the time.

Other ways to help:

call/email/check in with us. It's not always easy for me to pick up the phone when I am hurting this bad.

Help me plan a Game Night for Cash....maybe with poker and Bunco to raise $ for the Garden Fund.

Send your photos of your adventure with Cash in your tshirt. Celebrate the great soul of Cash.

I ask myself(and my sisters and Mom) all the time: There has to be a reason, what is it? I do trust that there is a reason for this to happen. That there are other plans for Page, Cash and I on this Earth. Just believing that helps get me out of bed daily when I don't want to.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Cash's Mommy

DASH FOR CASH

Happy Independence Day. A year ago we were eagerly anticipating our young little bear cub so we chose to go and run for him today. We did almost 7 miles this morning and as a non-runner I can say that it was definitely his spirit that kept me slogging along. As always I owe him a big thanks and it's amazing what he's helping me do.

As you might imagine days like today are tough. It's just hard to swallow that he isn't here with us. Last night instead of our traditional Edgewater 3rd of July Fireworks and party we needed a break so we went to the movies. I couldn't believe that I was crying during the previews! Emotions are starting to surface that I haven't been expecting. It serves me as a reminder that there's a lot of work to be done. So I'm sad, and angry that he's gone, and I just can't understand why. It just feels incredibly unfair and I really just want him back.

Teri, Spider, Stripe, and Cowie have all been great. They have helped me through my manic moments and they're giving me lots of wonderful love. Thanks to all of you who have been reaching out. We're walking an emotional balance beam so if we don't take you up on your offer to do something please keep asking! We're just trying to survive.

All our Love,

Cash's Daddy

From the Murray's

We are just returning from a wedding in the Bahamas. We wore our Team Cash t-shirts on the beach one day and I am sending some photos.I think about you guys often---that little boy is a powerful force. Congratulations on the beautiful garden & tree! You all are wonderful parents and I am really excited for what your future holds. Love,Eleanor & Dan

Happy 4th of July!

Page and Teri - we just wanted to let you know that we're thinking about you and hope that you have a good, relaxing 4th of July!!

We love you guys.

Alli, Ben & Cullin

grammy sandy

HI PAGE & TERI,

AS USUAL I AM SO TOUCHED BY THE BLOG AND YOUR ENTRIES AND THOSE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE TOUCHED YOUR LIVES AND THAT OF CASH...
I LOVED SEEING CASH'S DOCTOR IN HIS TEAM CASH SHIRT AND READING HIS CONTRIBUTION TO THE BLOG..

I LOOKED UP THE SONG ON THE INTERNET THAT YOU MENTIONED IN THE BLOG PAGE AND I CRIED WHEN I HEARD THE WORDS...ERIC CLAPTON IS SINGING IT ON VIDEO...

I LOVE YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH...AND I DON'T KNOW, EXCEPT MEDICALLY, WHY THIS HAPPENED EITHER....BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I AM SO PROUD OF YOU BOTH FOR HOW YOUR SHARING YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THIS AND LETTING US ALL IN THROUGH THE BLOG ON HOW YOU ARE...THAT HELPS ME TO COPE ALSO WITH THIS MYSTERY AND ALSO TO FEEL MY OWN FEELINGS, ALONG WITH YOU, THE PAIN OF THIS SITUATION...

WE GOT THE TEAM CASH CARD LAST SATURDAY AND I AM MAKING ARRANGEMENTS FOR MONEY TO BE TRANSFERRED INTO THE ACCOUNT AT THE HOSPITAL.
CASH'S GARDEN WILL BE A VERY SPECIAL PLACE FOR ALL FAMILIES TO VISIT AND HAVE SOME PEACE AND SERENITY IN THE MIDST OF TURMOIL. HE WAS A SERENE LITTLE MAN WHO BROUGHT MUCH LOVE AND PEACE TO ALL HE ENCOUNTERED ....MY GRANDSON CASH IS A SPECIAL HUMAN BEING ....HE IS LOVE....HE WILL LIVE ALWAYS WITHIN ME...

CONTINUE TO SHARE AND TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND LITTLE CASH WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL....YOU ALL DESERVE NOTHING LESS...

LOVE,

GRAMMY SANDY