So today Cash would have been 6 months old. It didn't hit me until I opened the paper up this AM. I had to count the months on my fingers to make sure I was right. 6 months ago I gave birth to a miracle. My heart and soul. It still seems amazing to me that I get to sleep a little bit more, that he's not right beside me in his bassinet or on my chest sleeping. And then I look over the side of the bed and there is Stripe who sleeps beside me now.
I really have no idea what I am doing, how I am moving on when I don't know what to do daily with myself. I keep asking for help and keep putting one foot in front of another. It has nothing to do with being strong.....it has to do with survival. I am just so emotionally fragile and really can only do so much. I get tired and then , well then it all gets even harder.
I am sorry if I have yet to return you emails or calls. I am trying. Please have patience.
I was talking to Spider yesterday about what we were doing 1 year ago...he and I were taking lots of naps due to the heat and my being pregnant. This year we are not taking as naps at all due to Stripe and it's scary to sleep sometimes.
We both hope that next summer will be different and we can be happy again, take a nap or two and hopefully have a baby(somehow) on the way to our home.
At my Mommy class there were a few little babies that were 6 months old when I met them. I remember thinking Cashie will be able to hold his head up by six months, he'll be that big. He'll play with his toys like those other boys are. Now I picture Cashie playing with all his trucks and other little boys that are able bodied and he is smiling and happy.
I miss my baby so much. Please be kind to me today universe. It's a big day.
Cash's Mommy
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