Page and i and the Mass family in Boston at the Hatch Shell last Friday night for the movies.
Hi, So as I was driving today I thought about how it's been hard to post what is going thru my mind these days on the blog. There are so many factors in us getting pregnant again: so many things I am petrified about and when I hear someone(whom I know is just trying to help by giving their opinion) say: 'just go try again' I am now finding myself defending my utter paralyzing fear. I do not want to have to say good bye to Cashie twice. that's why i am scared and it's a very real fear. We don't have ANYTHING that is 100% sure that our own baby, which we know we can conceive, would not have SMA. No test is 100%. No test. SO we are praying for direction, praying for answers and praying for patience. I know a lot of couples do it, just go out and get pregnant again and hope for the best but Page and I are not most couples and this whole experience has taught me that. We are different, Cash is different, we grieve differently than others: I mean who has a Concert on their kids bday for 700 people. ? Not one of teh couples that were at those support groups we went to last summer.
We met with Holly Anderson from Children's yesterday and talked about the garden progress. Page and I have set a goal to get the plans submitted by our anniversary 8/25. I would love to have the garden installed, or the process started this fall. We will need bodies when that time comes. so we'll let you know.
I know that trusting my heart and pages heart and cashies heart that we will all be back together in body again soon is just the answer. just that simple. I cry less but i still cry. and sometimes it's tears of Joy that i am Cashie's mommy.
I feel so lucky that he chose me. I just can't wait to hold him again.
Miss you beanie,