2008 WILL BE GREAT!

Hey everyone. Happy New Year and Let's pray for an incredible 2008. 2007 has been rough and I'm putting energy into the universe that 2008 will be awesome. I'm so thankful for an incredible wife and son who have taught me lessons beyond words. I just can't put it into words what they mean to me.

I'm thankful for my family, my inlaws, and all of our friends and supporters. We love you all and thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

A Tribute to Everyone

Hi Everyone, I just want to share this with you all. It's a tribute to you all and Cash.

http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_7807676

This kid is amazing and Cash's Garden is bringing out the very best in everyone.
Without you all this wouldn't be possible and for that we are deeply grateful.
Grief is ugly and messy and it's also beautiful. I thank you all for helping keep our spirits alive.

With Love and Gratitude,
Cash's Daddy

Don't Quit

Hi, This is Page and I in jail. Please know that as much as I cry I have to keep smiling for all the blessings I have. Let this picture tell you that we are ok, just sad.

It's Friday afternoon. I just took the pups for a run around town. You know since I spend a great deal of time alone during the winter months I have been thinking about what I was supposed to be doing today if Cash were here on Earth. I know he was just too sick , and it would have been so hard to keep him healthy....or as healthy as he could be. I just miss my son today. Like everyday.

I have received so many emails about ticket sales from the ticket posse. You guys are amazing. You know our goal is just to pack the place. make it a good night, make some noise and joy. So, please don't stress if your tickets haven't sold.....that's not as important as just celebrating this kid. Ok? you with me? Just call me or email if you need help w/your tix sales.

My Mom sent me this really great poem today, that my Grandmother(my idol) sent her when she was my age...it was about hope and I am going to post it. And since my Mom will be at the concert-I think she may need a bit of joy herself. It's one thing for Page and I to go thru this but our Families are all grieving for Cash and us and themselves too. I am so grateful everyone met Cash and got to be touched by his spirit, his eyes, his smile.

Don't Quit
Author Unknown
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup

,And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are -

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

Love and Peace,MOM

Christmas Blessings

Well, we survived and thrived in Taos for the holiday weekend. We skied and skied and skied some more, Hot Springs, Car troubles(which Page fixed!), live Music, the puppies running in the snow as we skied along open country roads in the Moon Light. Chimyao was amazing, healing, and necessary for our well being.
Thank you all for the well wishes and to come home to listen to a message from Cash's God father, Jason was just what we needed. Then to open gifts from my Mom and know we are not alone on Christmas really helped us both.

Today we woke up to an article in The Denver Post about Cash's Garden and the benefit concert. What a gift. I am grateful to be a Mom, a Wife , and a Family this Christmas. As sad as it could have been it was our least stressful holiday.

Merry Christmas to all,
Cash's mommy

Our Fox

We were walking home from dinner at our friends Joanne and Rob's late last night. Up ahead of us I saw our Fox scurry across the street. Just checking in on Mom and Dad I think.
We are heading to Taos for Christmas with the puppies. Merry Christmas to everyone.Be safe and hugs your loved ones.

I love you pumpkin,
Cash's Mommy and Daddy

Tickets are avaliable online! Yay!!

Hey everyone, we finally have a site where people can buy tickets to Cash's Garden Benefit Concert online.

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/25788


we are really excited. Please pass this along to anyone you know who might be interested.
Thanks so much for your support. Happy Holidays.

Cash's Daddy

Some Team Cash Images

Your photos are awesome and inspiring. Please keep sending them in.

All our love,

Page, Teri, and Cash

Thursday Am-Denver Post

So we met with The Denver Post reporter at Children's yesterday. We walked to the Garden site and told our story about Cash. I love listening to Page talk about his son, the pride that just oozes from him about our little boy. It is so amazing to me. It's so hard to watch the one you love the most being heartbroken and there is nothing I can do. Page is just so amazing, his strength. His courage, his willingness to go to therapy and do all the work. I am in awe of him.

I don't know if all husbands would be that open. I know I am blessed to have Page and my best friend. Cash was with me today at Boot Camp....making me run up all those stairs...you know he makes me run because couldn't.

I love you Page and Cashie, my boys. I am blessed.
Cash's Mommy

frozen tears

Hi, It's Monday morning. We skied all weekend with each other and the dogs. Boy those pups can run fast.
I have been skiing in some fashion for almost 35 years. I have never cried skiing before until this weekend. I just get on the first chair and cry......and think of Cashie. My eyelids freezing a bit and I cry for my son. I miss him so much.
I went to the Sunday on mountain service at the Basin yesterday. I love that I can ski right up to it. And I cried so hard there. The nice Pastor said a prayer for Cashie. I know he is with us while we ski, it's just I thought we would all be there together , swapping out turns, changing diapers, etc. It's hard to go ski when I know Cashie would have been with us but it's the only thing we can do to make him proud of us that we are still fighting the fight.

At Boot Camp this am we had to run these 12 flights of stairs 3 times, I kept saying in my head: "I have nothing else to lose, I have nothing else to lose"....as I chugged up the steps...and by the third trip up the steps I was saying: "Healthy baby, healthy baby, healthy baby".
I know there is a plan for us 3..............I know it. i know Cashie is with us today. Saying Keep fighting Mommy. I never knew I had so many tears inside of me. Keep fighting Mommy. I love you Cashie.
Cash's Mommy

Garden Site

Hi to everyone. I know it's been a while since I've made a post. With the snow here I've been missing Cash a bunch. One of my main aspirations with him was to be able to take him skiing. I still have, but I just wanted him to experience the wind on his face and feel the freedom of the hills . . . . even though with his SMA that wouldn't have ever been a possibility. So I'm sad, but I know that he is with me.

The photos are where we are planning on putting Cash's Garden. Yes, we really have a site and his garden is going to be a reality. With this said, we still need help selling tickets for the Cash's Garden Benefit Concert. If you know anyone that is interested or would want to help, this is a way for them to do so. For all of you that have been helping, a heartfelt thanks for your help and support.

Boot Camp Strength

Hi, So as I was kicking the crap out of a huge punching bag at Camp this am I started to cry. I think about my Son, and how strong he is, how much strength he had to stay here with us for 4 months with SMA. His little hands curling up and we thought he was getting better all the time. Cash is strength he is love he is goodness he is perfection. So please take a moment today hug someone you love, talk to someone who needs to hear your voice, call your mom and dad and tell them you love them. My son is my whole heart and soul and I miss him with so much power it makes me have to believe that Cash is here with his mommy today...pushing me to be strong, to kick harder, to be nicer. To breathe.
Cash's Mommy
ps...I love you Cashie

living in the present

Hi, It's Sunday morning and we are gearing up to go skiing. and it's cold outside today.
I woke up with thoughts of the past, as I often do, or thoughts of the future....what I hope for. Rarely do i Think of the present. That has always been the case with me....I have always been a future thinker....and for right now, for today , I need to take a break from that and be really happy about what I have in my life right now: A loving husband, 2 great and fuzzy dogs , and cat who has been with me longer than anyone else ...and a whole family that loves me and friends that support me. a business that thrives and people to work with who are amazing.
I have the spirit of my little boy to guide me along my way. My Angel , my Cashie.

Thank yo all for helping us to sell tix.
We couldn't do this without you.

love, Cash's Mommy

back in denver

Hi, We are back in town. It's amazing after being gone, having such a great vacation....I realized this AM that it was also a vacation from the familiar surroundings, all the memories, all the stuff that is here at our home. I Just found a huge box of medical supplies in The Nursery that was supposed to be for Cash if we were going to take him home from Children's and do Hospice here. I didn't even know it was here in the house. I just don't want to have that sick energy in our home where we are fighting to heal, fighting to just stay positive . I miss holding my son.
I was in a Class this Am , exercising and had my Team Cash shirt on....I was struggling a bit and the instructor said" do it, you can do it, do it for the baby" and he pointed to my shirt. Now, I don't know this instructor but he got me. I have to do it for Cashie. I have to keep going. I have to be strong. He was with us in St Johns. And as we flew home, the clouds were so beautiful. I said to page" Do you think that's what Cashie sees as he is flying around? All that beauty?"
I think he does. I know he is free. And I know he loves him Mommy.
I know he is here. Cash is here.
Cash's Mommy

Thankful

Hi all, we are heading out for a week with Bri and Brady in St John's. I am THANKFUL this holiday weekend to have all the love and support that is surrounding us. We will miss the fuzzies but they are in great care.
I ran into Robin, my Baby Class teacher today. It was so great to see her and tell her we are ok and have great hope and Love for the future with our Cashie. My magic kid, my Soulful boy.

Please come to see the Railbenders with us on New Years Eve at The Soiled Dove. We went 2 nites ago....holy cow.they ROCK!!!!! Love to you,
Cash's Mommy

concert poster

I am so excited to be a part of this event for Cash. Teri & Page have been helping me to create a poster for his Birthday Concert coming up in January. Here is Cash's very own Alice in Wonderland Garden ... to become a reality at the Children's Hospital.

Sunday nite

Hi, It's 11/18..........Cash's 10 month bday. To celebrate we went skiing at ABasin our first Family ski day in over a year. It was a great way to spend our day, in the Mountains, on snow, with the pups and Cash.where things make more sense. It filled me up with Hope for us, for me , for Cash. That little boy turned me into a Mommy. and now I just can't not be Moms(that's what I call myself these days). I am blessed. Tears and all I am blessed.


It also means the Benefit Concert is just 8 weeks away!
Yikes!We have been getting loads of questions about the Silent Auction:

You can donate whatever feels right to you. Some things that have been already donated:
Artwork
Hand Knit items
Ski Jacket
possibly wine
Gift Certificates
Sports memorabilia

Whatever you want, just make sure you get the Donation for to me so I can send it on to The Children's Hospital Foundation so You can have a reciept for your taxes....

We are grateful today. We are parents today. Cash is with us today.

Please send blessings/prayers and good thoughts out to My Cousin Ellen. Today is not a great day for her......and she's a very special apst of our lives.

Many thanks,
Cash's Mommy

Monday news

Hi all, As I write Cowie(our cat) is perched on my lap....helping me to speak the truth. We have healing to do. I met with a wonderful healer today. I feel like the next chapter in this whole scary, sad, unpredictable process is starting. I feel safe. There are so many things to be grateful for:
My cat:0
the fuzzies who great me with such exuberance when I open the door
My love Page
my tami
my Mom
Annie
Sara
It didn't really rain today but smelled like it when I drove to work-yummy
I am here, I have not gone under, I am not on meds
My sisters
my dad and brother
our home

I am grateful.................



The Tickets are here:
Cash' Garden Benefit Concert TICKETS are available thru Page and myself. They will also be for sale on line at www.theorientaltheater.com

xo
Cash's Mommy

Work To Do

Hi. I'm writing this note so that it's out there in the universe and not just rattling around in my body and spirit. Most people have asked how I am doing and my standard response is that "I'm doing fine". To be completely honest, some day's I am doing fine, but there's a lot of them when I'm really not. I'm trying to figure out what happened, why this has happened to me and my family, I'm trying to pull the pieces together when it feels like everything has fallen apart and I'm trying not to be upset that I'm in this position at all. And the toughest part is that I've got to get this outta me so that I don't feel like a victim and that I got ripped off. Just making it through the day isn't enough. Cash wouldn't be proud of his dad feeling and acting like a victm. So I'm using this forum to put it out to the universe that these are a some of the emotions I've been feeling and I need to walk through them and deal with them so that I can be the absolute best father I can be when he comes back to me, because he is coming back, so I've got some serious work to do.

Thanks to you all out there for your love and support.

Cash's Daddy

Hi

Well, we met with EDAW(Landscape Architechs that are designing The Children's Hospital) and Holly Anderson today about the Garden. To be blunt: it's going to be quite the process but Page and I knew this going into this. it's not like I can drive to the Plant Nursery and buy plants and pop them in the ground......there are lots of meetings, etc that will have to happen to see this thru.
We Will keep you updated as soon as we know more. Hopefully we will have our Fundraising goal soon.....

Personally: I --was having a hard time today, this week...really questioning it all. The whys, the Why us...and then something snapped n me tonight as I was running w/the dogs. I feel like I snapped out of the funk, at least for a while. Hope is back.
You know, I also picked my guitar back up, a little music therapy for my soul. Sometimes I think : will I ever really learn to strum? will I find songs I can play and sing with?
These are the questions I have tonight. not bad for a grieving Mommy. I'll take this over crying a hyperventilating any day!!

Good nite all

Proudly, so proud of my kid, I mean what a friggin' Rock Star to come, be with us, be so damn cute, get to know us even with a terminal disease. I am not sure if I could be that brave. could you?
Cash Rocks!!!!!!!!!
Cash's Mommy

Friendly, Compassionate, Determined

Dear Cash,
I was looking at a cool site called Colorstrology today and here's what it said about you ... Friendly, Compassionate, Determined.
YOUR imagination and dreams help guide you toward your goals. Once you have found them, you must pursue them with persistence, flexibility and ease. It is your love of life and childlike quality that everyone admires and relates to. Your personal color helps you maintain your humility and honor. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Deco Rose helps you feel strong, safe and truly secure yourself.
I think my color is in the Aqua family. I blogged about you today. If you want to read it, you can go here. Looking forward to helping your parents with your Healing Garden Benefit Concert - they are putting a lot of love and energy to it and I am certain it is going to be THE event of 2008.
Love,
Alli

Benefit Concert

Hi, We are forging ahead with Benefit concert plans. The tix will be ordered today or tomorrow. So we will have them for sale soon, also The Oriental Theater will have tix for sale on their website www.theorientaltheater.com

You know, it is hard to get out of bed. Some days I just don't want to face reality that this has happened. and other days i am filled with hope for our future. It's kind of a crap shoot as to which way the day will go.

Page saw a fox this Am .Our pumpkin letting Daddy know it's going to be alright, that there is a plan for all this pain and sadness.

I am hoping for a better day than yesterday. That was a hard one.
Cash's Mommy

tired

You know with all the hoopla of Halloween, it just makes me tired. I find myself exhausted recently...today. Maybe I take on too much, or don't say no enough. Maybe it's that one hard work issue that sapped me of all I had left, maybe it's just plain missing my baby boy. I just read an article in the OCT 2007 Skiing Mag about " The Power to Heal". It was written by a Dad who lost his son and skiing has helped him heal, very slowly. I hope that helps Page and I this Winter . We are so looking forward to it. I cried so hard as I read the short story of this Dad's journey thru the past 3 years. Not for me but for him. It isn't supposed to happen. and it makes us members of this really sad club of parents who have lost a child. and the only people that can even try to understand are those who also have been thru it.
Right now I am trying to just get by.....
Love you my little beanie
cash's mommy

Happy Halloween

Today is one of those days when I think about what I was supposed to be doing. I would have pushed for Cash to be a Denver Bronco for his first Halloween. I would have taken anything though, a baby mountain lion cub, bumblebee, pirate, cowboy, . . . . anything . . . . . I just wanted to parade him around the block. It just makes me really sad that I can't do that today. Instead I'll just do my best to think about the future. Today will turn out ok, I just gotta believe that it will.

Cash's Daddy

World Series

Hi, Let's face it: Cash is a Red Sox fan like his Mom. (check out my hat in previous posts)He was in my tummy for 9 months. It had to get into him somehow. Although there have been questions about his football preferences....Cash is also a Broncos Fan. His Daddy wouldn't have it any other way. Watch for Page at the Game tonight.

We met Sam Jones yesterday. What a beautiful baby. It was a JOY to have Jules , Martin and Sam over to visit and the first time I didn't break down with a baby....Sam is just a healing little power house.
I was so amazed at how he moved. So was Page. We just never saw Cash move like that. It was really wonderful.

xoxo,
Cash's Mommy

Cash

Hi all,
We are in the middle of a big mailing to ALCC members. If you need to call for more info, my # is 303.550.4310.
The garden and benefit concert are keeping us busy. Along with cheering for Red Sox or Rockies..........and lots of help from trusted souls.
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.
Cash's Mommy

Cash Out and About

Just wanted to post a few pictures during some recent moments of joy. Everyone has been absolutely incredible. Thanks to all for your generosity, kindness, understanding, and support. We absolutely couldn't get through this alone. Each day we are encountering new obstacles to cross, but as the support continues to come in we are getting by. Cash's Garden continues to move forward and over the next few weeks we will have lots of new information to share with you about where Cash's Garden will be, what it will look like, and Cash's Garden Benefit Concert. There are lots of people to thank so in short Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!

All our love and we wish Nana a speedy recovery from her recent surgery.

Love to everyone out there.

Teri, Page, Cash, Spider, Stripe, and Cowie

Race for the Cure with Aunt Janer

TEAM CASH in North Carolina

Today I ran in the Susan Komen Race for the Cure in Hickory, NC. I raced with the spirit of my nephew Cashie (he helped me up those hills!) and in celebration of my friend-Lisa. Lisa has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is a t-shirt owning member of TEAM CASH and a huge support to me (Auntie Janer). Lisa is a special, special lady and has dedicated her life to working with young children with disabilities. She is a giver.
Please say a little prayer for her today. Thanks! Go TEAM CASH!!!!

Happy 9 months Cashie

So it's Cash's 9 month bday. I went to a yoga class tonight to celebrate being his Mommy. I love you Cashie.
Mommy

it's a better day

Hi, Thanks for the prayer and good thoughts sent our way. Today is a better day. Cash's Mommy

Garden Update

Hi. We met with Holly Anderson at Children's yesturday. Page and I picked out a few sites for Cash's Garden. We are now waiting to see how much those sites will cost to be built. We have raised over $19, 000 so far. THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!!

It was hard to be there even though it's a new place and I have no memories of it....just being around doctors and staff and scrubs and other sick kids was not easy at all. When I finally got home from the day I sat down and looked at all the pictures I have of Cash. I cried so hard. I miss him so much. I woke up scared to face the day.
We talked about the Benefit concert and things we need to do to make it really successful event.



Cash's tree is so pretty. I have saved some leaves.Cash would be 9 months tomorrow. I miss my baby boy. I am jealous. My heart hurts.God please help us.Please make the waiting not so hard today.
Cash's Mommy

It's been 5 months since Cash Passed. . . . I don't even know how to describe the feeling. Only 5 months! We are pressing forward and missing him so much. His tree out infront of the house is the most incredible red. It's him. Tomorrow we meet with the Children's Hospital folks. I'm excited to have this concept move another step forward.

Thanks to you all for your phone calls and invitations to do things. Even though sometimes we have to say no, the gesture means so much to us.

All our love,

Page, Teri, Cash, Spider, Stripe, and Cowie

October

Hey, it's October. I finally feel like I am coming out of a fog. I am really aware of how Cash is with me ALL the time. I was just practicing guitar and playing with the dogs...thinking...I am feeling OK right now. Cash is safe where he is...Mommy is safe...puppies are safe. We did get a second band for the Benefit Concert. And we meet with Children's this month to talk about the Garden. It feels better, like we are on our way. That this time is for us to heal and really live Cash's Spirit to the fullest.

The big thing I know: Is that Cash chose to leave his SMA body. That is wasn't my fault he left us. I thought it was my fault. I am his mom and I couldn't protect him from that. So, I am working on letting go of that guilt. Do all Mommy's have so much guilt?If so, I would love to hear about Mommy Guilt if anyone cares to share.

Happy Pumpkin Month to my little Pumpkin,

Cash's Mommy

wreath making

Hi, So many people have asked if I journal. Well, this is my current journal. For anyone who wants to to read. This is all just way too big to keep to myself, and I hope that someday Page and I will be available to help someone who may need it.

I was at the Grocery store today , wearing my Team Cash t-shirt. I had just come from the gym where I always wear my Team shirt. The nice Starbucks lady said" Oh, what a cute shirt, what a cute baby" And for the FIrst TIME I just said" yeah, he is. That's my son."and didn't start to cry. I am just happy that he is my son. That he chose me and Page to be his Parents.

I had even put on a vest to enter the store b/c sometime I think I get looks while wearing the shirts. (or that could just be in my head)

So to celebrate that milestone of healing : I made A Pyracnatha Wreath for our front door. I just love the orange berries. And it does make for a Broncos door b/c our door is blue. Hope Page likes it.

We had a huge break thru yesterday. We are working with a wonderful person, to guide us thru our journey as Parents. As Mother and Father to this unbelievable perfect and special little person, Cash. I feel lighter today than I have in months. Today: I trust that everything is going to be ok. Trusting my guts.

xo, cash's mommy

fri nite

Hi, It was a rough week. some good points, loads of tears. Lots of work to be done. It's hard to remember that all the decisions Page and I are facing about how to proceed with our lives are going to be OK. All the decisions we ever made for Cash, even how he was born, were easy....and also the hardest things to decide. But we didn't even have to discuss it. We just both felt the same way. We want what is best for our child. I am very lucky to have married my Best Friend and partner in life. It's hard to watch Page be so sad. So heartbroken. We know we will never be the same people we once were.
So Cashie, what is best for you is to be in Heaven , hanging out with PapaScan, playing with your trucks(because that's how I picture you, big enough to play) and Lila, and Grandmother...and baby Kai. It's your job right now to show him the ropes up there and teach him how to contact his Parents. You are my angel. I miss you so much Pumpkin. Please pray for Daddy and me to be OK this weekend. To be safe and have good moments.
I love you CutiePants.
Mommy

Humor, Gratitude, Sweetness

I went to Denver this past Saturday for the first time since going to visit Cash at Children's.

Just before I left, I went to hear a speaker (Sue Fredrick) at a Women's Health Day fair. She had so many enlightening things to say, but this is what I took away from it: Humor, Gratitude, Sweetness. Humor to laugh at the absurdity of life, Gratitude for those around you that make life worth living and Sweetness, like that found in the eyes of an innocent but wise newborn baby ...

The energy we have and exude everyday effects everyone around you, even people you don't know, thought is powerful. To prove that this is true she told a story of a study done with two men that had never met before. They were introduced and one was put into a room with monitors of all kinds (heart, brainwaves, etc.). The other man was put into a room with a computer screen and was told to think a thought - any thought - about this man he did not know every time he saw his picture.

The result? The monitors showed a recorded reaction every time Man #2 had a thought about him! Imagine what the results would have been if these two men were friends!

I thought about Cash and the Scanlon-Phillips family the whole time I was there. And when I pulled back in to Boulder, near dusk, I saw him! Cash's Fox was hanging out in North Boulder near his grandparents house. He's thinking about us, and we are thinking about him – with Humor, Gratitude, and Sweetness.

Love,
Alli

(btw, Teri & Page, I hope you got my message last Thursday that I was coming b/c I wanted to stop in and say hello, I only had one phone number so let me know if there is a better one)

latest update on Garden Fund

Hi Tess~
Great to hear from you. I was actually going to send you an email this afternoon with the latest and greatest tribute report. Please find attached a list of names and addresses of those who have sent in gifts since August 29th. We are officially up to $19,371!

Holly is going to meet with Page and I in October to talk about what the next steps are for making this Garden happen.

As I have been thinking alot about my son, as I always do, the pain never goes away. It doesn't even get less........there are times when I can function for longer periods of time without crying or being sad but the pain is the same..always so strong...takes my breath away.

I know that this is a time for great Faith . Faith that we will be OK, that Cash is OK, that we will have kids filling up our home, making noise, making a mess ,making us crazy. Our dear friend Jim robbins came to visit this weekend. He has 3 kids. Jim was telling us about Soccer days in Boseman. How crazy it can get and how much fun it is to watch the little ones all run in a herd around the soccer field. I just thought it sounded like Heaven. Page and I have to have so much Faith that we will have that herd of kids running around and that Cashie will be with us always. Sometimes I just want to drive up to an orphanage(or wherever kids that need families are) and fill my truck, and fill the house with noises, with love, with laughter.

I spoke with Janet from Baltimore on Sat nite. She is the Mom to Cullum. They were on NPR b/c they want to raise awareness about SMA. Cullum has Type 1 SMA, just like Cash. He is 19 months old. They are trying all these alternative therapies for him. He is showing great progress. It was amazing to talk to another Mom about SMA. I have really just put it out of my line of vision. I have been so Angry at SMA. It's very scary to think about getting pregnant again. I don't feel strong at all in that area. Not yet. If you are related to Page or Myself and thinking about having kids....do the genetic testing for SMA. Because it runs in our families.

You know, I was telling Page the other day that I rarely get lonely, even when I was working by myself for all those years gardening. I have always really enjoyed my own company. Then last year I was pregnant and I would talk to Cashie all day long and I certainly didn't feel lonely.
Now, I feel lonely without Cashie. I miss him so much. Feeding him, changing his diaps, snuggling him all day long. I miss my baby. I want him back. I need to have patience.
I need a miracle.
So for anyone that is reading....could you please take a minute and just ask whatever it is you may believe in for a miracle for Page and I.

Thank you

Cash's Mommy

jane's Team Cash Biking with her helmet on backwards adventure. We love you Auntie Janer

Yesterday, 9/22----some friends and I (Kim, Kelly and Doug) celebrated Cash by biking on the Virginia Creeper Trail . It is a beautiful place and one of my favorites. We felt his spirit all day. We laughed a lot (I cried a bit too) and enjoyed the beauty of this natural wonder---which is right off the Appalachian Trail. I miss my little nephew. I miss being able to buy and make him the kinds of things only aunties get to buy and make. I ache everyday for my sister and my brother in law. I--like---so many of my fellow/sistah bloggers am SO inspired by these 2. When I was in Colorado this summer visiting I was so moved at how they just keep on keepin' on. I asked Teri how she did it and she said something about "life being for living". I am taking that sentiment to the bank and CASHing it in.

To be our best is such a tribute to Cashie Scanlon Phillips----my little nephew.

love, auntie Janer

Stil out here

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything on the blog. I am out here and doing my best. It's still very day to day as we try to live with the hole that is with us. Especially when you consider that it's only been just over 4 months since we were in the hospital. . . . . I've been watching Muhammad Ali videos and feeling Cash with me. He urges me to keep going, always. What a fighter.

We have lots of love in our life which is incredible and we are blessed. Thank you to you all who are keeping tabs on us.

My love to everyone.

Strength

Teri and I have been friends for a long time, a long time. We have been through a lot and it seems that anything we go through brings us closer, hence the reason she is my best friend. I want Teri to know how much I appreciate her friendship, her love, her ideas, her strength and all that she is. I admire that she gets up in the morning and has the courage to go through the day. I admire that she is taking such a tragedy, as Cash's death is, and moving on with such strength and drive to make her world better. Teri never stops, she never has, yet now, she is so much wiser than I have ever known her to be. Whenever I am with her, I am inspired to do more, to experience more and it seems even more apparent now, in the wake of her loss. Thank-you Teri for keeping going and for showing me your incredible determination. You should be proud of yourself, as I know all of your friends and relatives are. You show us to go on, to grow and to live, even through incredible sadness. I love you Teri. Thank-you for being my very best friend. Love, Tam

courage

I believe that courage is all too often mistakenly seen as the absence of Fear. If you descend by a rope from a cliff and are not fearful to some degree , you are either crazy or unaware. Courage is seeing your fear, in a realistic perspective, defining it, considering alternatives, and choosing to function spite of the risk.
-Leonard Zunin
Contact: the First Four Minutes


I found this in a Book of readings form North Carolina Outward Bound School I did a Semester course with way back in College.
I know Page and I need courage now to continue on.....to keep getting up, to go to work everyday...even when we want to stay in bed and sleep and cry.
Please keep up your prayers.
Cash's Mommy

oprah

Hi all,
Page and I are organizing a Benefit Concert to raise $$ for The Cash Scanlon Phillips Memorial Garden to be built at Childrens' Hospital. Some of you may have read about it on our blog at : www.teamcash.blogspot.com

We are asking for help. There will be a Silent Auction at this event. We are asking folks who can to collect things from their favortite busiensses to be auctioned off. Some examples have been: A Haircut from a Salon, Artwork, A signed copy of a Great book, Tickets to an Event....whatever you can think of.

Or if you would like to help out in another way you could send an email to Oprah...yup Oprah. I sent an email to here staff telling them about Cash's short life here on Earth, how he was named for Mohamad Ali(Cassius Clay) , what a fighter he is. How he has really changed peoples lives with his Spirit. I asked Oprahs staff for help with this Benefit Concert by the way of getting a Big Name performer there. I mentioned Sheryl Crow, John Mayer., The Fray, Big Head Todd., Josh Blue the comedian....I am shooting BIG!

Below is the link to Oprahs site.
The Benefit details are:

Date Jan 18th, 2008(Cash's Birthday)
Place: The Oriental Theater, North West Denver
Time: 7pm-??
We have one Bluegrass Band already, we are looking for more atlent
The donations go towards The Childrens' Hospital Foundation Fund for Cash Scanlon Phillips Memorial Garden.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. We are doing ok, lots of therapy, lots of tears. We have hope for our future as parents but our hearts are shattered beyond comprehension. I cry all the time.
...https://www.oprah.com/plugger/templates/BeOnTheShow.jhtml?action=respond&plugId=D55300002

brave

We checked out a few bands last nite. Not really what we were looking for but it was good to be out, even though it makes me tired today. I miss Cashie. I miss my baby.I am trying to be brave.
Cash's Mommy

beach time in Humarock

ellen and I at Cash's Cairn-left

mom and me on the beach-right

Hi all,

This past Labor Day weekend Page and I went to stay with my cousin Ellen at her home in Mass.

We laughed, cried, shared, enjoyed the company of family that we haven't seen in years. It's hard to describe how much it meant to me to be there, flown in by my Aunt and Uncle to just be taken care of. My Mom, Stepdad, Aunt, sister, cousins cousins cousins, uncle, family!!!!!!!!

It was such a generous gift of love, caring, family. We were surrounded by love, smiles, conversations about everything.

This beach is one of my favorite places on Earth. It's where I spent time with my Grandmother, it's where Page and I went to help us heal.

My cousin Ellen and her kids, Jecca and Luke and their kids: Declan, Elle, Boston, Luke, and Shia....plus a bunch of other folks built a Cairn for Cash at the opening to the beach steps at Ellen's House.

We have placed some of Cash's ashes there. At my favorite place, my favorite beach, to be close to Ellen and bring her company and Cash's magic.

The tears flow so much. Some days are ok, some are really hard.

I miss Cashie so much.

PLease keep your prayers up for baby Kai.

And thank you for all the Benefit Concert/Silent Auction items:

Please send them to us at :

2205 Jay Street

Edgewater, CO 80214

You are all a great help to Page and I. PLease know we love everyone of you......even if I can't always answer my phone.

xoxo,

Cash's Mommy

A Prayer Please

Our friends Alistar, Bettina, and their newborn need a prayer. They are in Children's Hospital and in the middle of a serious situation. We have asked Cash to help them and we ask that everyone out there say a prayer or light a candle or send them some good energy.

Thank you and all our Love,

Cash, Teri, Spider, Stripe, and Cowie

Whale Cousins - Update

Just a quick update on the Whale Cousins: Cash (Tear), Tyler (Eden), Audrey (Ember) and Emily (Trident) were all sighted at various times throughout the summer. All have been feeding at Stellwagen Bank (where we went for our whale watch this spring). Ember seems to be the most interested in the research boats, spending long periods of time circling around and under them.

I'm very happy that these whale cousins are getting to spend some time playing together. I can only imagine the magnificent sandcastles they have made on the Atlantic floor.

We miss you little Cashie....

Uncle Joe, Auntie Brenda, Audrey and Emily

Memorial Fund Grows to $19, 000-WOW!

Hi All,
We can't even begin to thank everyone who is readying the blog. It really helps us to know that you are out there , looking out for us, checking in.This is such a lonely time. I miss my son so much, the pain doesn't go away even as the days keep going by. Therapy helps and then it is also very hard. Hard work.......I miss him so much. There's not a lot more to share but that.
This is the latest update from Holly Anderson. We got the the Oriental Theater for the benefit concert-MARK YOUR CALENDARS for JAN 18, 2008!
xo,
Cash's Mommy

Hello Teri and Page~
During the past few weeks we have received 10 more gifts and Cash's account in now up to $19,096! We are honored to be accepting these donations in his name and are still receiving donations everyday! I know we will hit that $25,000 number very soon.

Attached please find the names and addresses of those who have sent in gifts since August 16, 2007. I will be sending another envelope of cards written directly to you tommorow. You should receive it by the weekend. As you know, we just moved our offices to the new hospital and are still ironing out a few glitches. If for some reason you do not receive the envelope by the weekend please let me know.

I also wanted to follow up on some dates in October for all of us to meet again. We are happy to come to you this time if you would like. Please know, you are always welcome here at our office, but do let me know what you feel the most comfortable with.

Everyday, I am truly so touched as I see the donations and notes that are coming in. Thank you. As always, please feel free to contact me at anytime if you have any further questions.

Warmly,
Holly

benefit concert...

hey page and teri - i may have a band to play... i'll keep you informed!

thinking of you both - often!

stacy

Benefit Concert Jan 18th 2008

Hi, We got the Oriental Theater for the benefit concert for the Cash Scanlon Phillips Memorial Garden. We have 1 band already committed.........we are looking for more talent.
As the time comes closer we are going to need help:
selling tix, obtaining items for a Silent Auction, putting up posters.
So, if you want to help out in anyway: start asking your people(hairdressers, restaurants, ski shops, dog groomers, artists..)..anyone who may want to donate an item to be auctioned off.
We'll keep you posted as we figure out how to do this.

Thanks so much...onward with hope.
Cash's Mommy

Grief Attatck

just hit me as I was driving home from work. Oh I miss my baby son so much, it feels like a cannon ball shot Thur my middle. He is my heart and soul.my love. I miss my baby, my son, Cashie so much. PLease pray for us, keep praying for us. It's not better, or over or done.........cash's mommy

Hoops do Habitait for Humainty for Cash

Hey, just wanted to share these pictures with you. Michael and I did a couple of days building with Habitat for Humanity in Cash's name before we went back to school. The address is 3511 Williams, just north of our old house in the hood. It was an amazing experience and we are grateful to you two and to Cash for inspiring us to do it. I'm sure we will do it every summer. Hope you guys are well, we would love to see you soon. K

Hope

I am readying a wonderful book right now. It is giving me hope for our future. our family. My son. I am so very grateful to have sisters like I do that don't even bat an eyelash at the things I say. I am so grateful to have grown up in a family that values Spirituality as a life force. This journey is really not one of Science, or what is fair or not, it's a spiritual journey.
As I have said many times before and always will: I believe that Cash is a Spiritual powerhouse, he came to Page and I , he chose us to be his parents. He is a gift. I hope you can all feel his presence with you, celebrate it. He is magic.
xoxo, Cash's Mommy

Dragonflies

4 1/2 years ago on the day that Joed(Dad) died I was driving home from work in a terrible snow storm and turned on the radio and heard Sheryl Crow(the last concert Joed and I saw together)..not so unusual some may say, but I believe that was dad saying "Hey Tricia, I am right here, not so far away and you will always have me nearby" A few days later I was driving through downtown Montpelier, VT and saw this man, it WAS Joed I would swear to anybody, this man was stooped over getting something out of his car and I just could not take my eyes from him, it was dad!!! I have seen this man and heard"Dad" music many times since then and truly believe that it is him talking to me. I described once to somebody as Dad talking to me through my radio(they still think I am a bit off my rocker). He is there when I need to see him and when I need to hear him. I truly believe that our loved ones speak to us and that Cash's red fox is your sign to persevere. He is saying Mom and Dad I am right here you just have to be open to a new way to see me. I have been giving this a lot of thought lately and was in a coffee shop in Portland last week and happened to pick up one of those little local artsy type papers that I know Teri loves to read. Well I read the whole thing(unusual for me, I usually just skip around and look @ pics and stuff) and the last article was about this woman who is a stained glass artist. What drew me to the article was a piece she did w/dragonflies shown w/the article. The article was about how this woman's daughter was very ill and she had to find a way to support herself and stay close to home to take care of her terminally ill child. She ended up opening her own stained glass studio on Munjoy Hill in Portland and is very well known for her work. Well, her daughter sadly passed away and with the grief only a parent would know this woman was looking for a way to just go on and try to live. She looked out the window and saw a dragonfly. She was so taken w/it that she went over to the window and started taking pics of it and it did not move away and did not seem to fear her. When the dragonfly finally left the woman looked down and saw a page of a coloring book that had belonged to her daughter. She took this as a sign from her child. Thus she made the dragonfly piece pictured in the article. Later the woman found out that in ancient Japanese or Chinese(I can't remember which) culture it was believed that the dragonfly was a messenger between the living and deceased. She has had many encounters since with dragonflies in one way or another and is sure that it is her daughter giving her encouragement to her mom.
I guess what I am trying to say is... you are not alone and I believe that Cash is with you and you are both finding ways to see that. I think that is really a gift that he has given you to open up your minds to see things in a different way and know he loves and supports you both.

Blog Smart

Hi Kids,

Just want you to know I think I have finally figured out how to send a message directly to this space.....if this prints you and I will know I did it....

I love you and am thinking of you and of Cashie.....

Love,

Mom

3 months

Hi all,
It has been heartwarming to say the very least that so many people are out there in the world , cheering us on, watching out for Page and I, celebrating Cash's Spirit. This morning Page came home from the gym to find the most beautiful card in our mailbox. It was from our neighbor Marc. It's hard to even describe how touching it was. Like the street just got a bit safer . I have felt odd at times walking the dogs around our little neighborhood. I used to walk almost daily with Cash all over.I have felt like there's this Scarlet letter on me: the woman who lost her child. But now I know it's probably in my head.

One of my Clients/friends called me today to say he was watching a Red Fox out his window. I love that.

There has been a shift in my heart. I cry a lot still, and probably always will. But something is different. There is a lightness too. I actually felt happiness yesterday. and today. It's weird to feel two things at once. I feel that sometimes Page , Cash and I need to wear Super Hero Capes to pretend to be strong. So if you see me driving around with a red cape on, that's why. Pretending to be strong that day.

Team Cash photos needed. Please send them in.

Benefit Concert for the Memorial Garden Fund:
Page and I are in the beginning stages of planning a Benefit Concert to raise $ for the Memorial Garden Fund. There will be a lot to do and we will need a bunch of help. If you are interested in helping: just let us know. We are hoping to have it in Mid January 2008 in Denver. It's a great thing to put our energy into right now.

It was 3 months on Tuesday. I miss my son so very much.
Love to all of you from my heart,
Cash's Mommy

most recent Garden Fund update from Holly Anderson

Hello Tess and Page~
I hope this email finds you well. Attached please find the first list of names and address of friends and family who have donated to the Cash Scanlon Phillips Memorial Fund. This list is as of July 31, 2007. I will be sending you another list like this at the end of August with additional names.

A few things....on the first line you will see, "Friends," which is representing the envelope of cash that you brought in. Also, I wanted to ask you about Mr. and Mrs. Robert Raynolds....unfortunately the address on their check seems to be invalid as the receipt we sent to them was returned to our office. I have called them, but their phone doesn't pick up. I wonder if you know of another way to contact them so we can have their receipt sent to them and most importantly, thank them for their gift!

I also want to talk to you about some dates in October to meet again. I spoke to Steve and he confirmed that we would not be able to have much discussion until after the new hospital is open, but he did want me to get a date on the calendar. He wants to be able to say to the people we need to have at the meeting that we are going to meet with you on this date and would like to have information. So...anytime after October 15th, Monday through Thursday, would work for us. Please email me some dates and I will get this set up.

And finally, with another gift that came in this morning, their is now a total of $18,566 in the account!
Please don't hesitate to call me with any further questions or needs.

Have a good day.
Holly

Cash Prayer Flags in Maine

These are Prayer Flags that Nana and Grammy Sandy made while we were still in Children's Hospital. About a week before Cash passed. They are hanging every visit that my parents make to their camp in Northern Maine. Right after my mom hung them , she saw a Red Fox. It looked at her. She said" Hi Cashie". He is so wise and thoughtful to look after his grandparents that way. Mom said he loves camp. He loves Maine.

My kid is magic!

xoxo, Cash's Mommy

prayer flags of Cash

These are prayer flags of Cash's hands that my Mom, Grammy Sandy and Page's Mom, Nana made while we were still in Children's Hospital. They are flying proudly at my parents camp in Northern Maine. My Mom said they also saw a Red Fox after she hung the flags. It looked at her and she said" Hi Cashie". My kid is magic!!!!!!

Cash's Mommy

Memorial Garden Fund update from Holly Anderson

These are a few oics of our life right now. The purple pepper is one of Page's creations from the vegtable garden. The other pic is a side shot of our yard.

Many of you have asked what is the status on the Garden for Cash at the New Children's Hospital. Well, here is the latest info we have .Please keep us in your prayers. We need them.Thank you all for keep reading the blog. Everytime I speak to someone who recalls a post I /page has written it makes me feel less alone in the world. Thank you so much for taking the time to check in with us and how we are doing.

Page and I went to Edgewater Heritage Days festival last night....to see a band, have a beer. To be distracted. I haven't seen the fox in a few days but I have seen a bunch of redheaded baby boys or litttle boys. I just miss him so much and I think of how truly sich he was and what Page , Cash and I went thru in the hospital. He was just So sick. I pray for healthy children to be in our future.

I am scared.

PLease pray for us.

xoxox Cash's Mommy

Hello Tes and Page~
I am thrilled to let you know that we have received 9 new gifts in this past week, and even more thrilled to tell you that Cash's account has a total of $17,531! I will continue to send weekly updates to you on the ever so growing total. Page, please know we received the stock transfer gift on Monday. And Tes, we received a sweet card from Brenda and Joseph Scanlon and family. It is truly a pleasure to be working with you and I look forward to what the future will bring.

As far as the next steps that are to happen regarding the garden. I don't want to hold you off any longer, but the truth is, I just don't think we can have further discussions until the move to the new hospital has happened. The project is on time, however everyone is still scrambling to get 4 months of transition discussions and details ironed out before the doors to open on October 1st. I think this will be a good plan to wait so we can have all the right people paying attention and focused. I promise I will not let this fall through the cracks.

And finally, I will be sending you information regarding the names of friends and family who have sent in gifts soon. Our processing department runs the list once per month. As always, please do not hesitate to call or email me with any questions, concerns or the need for information.

Warm regards,
Holly

red fox 3rd sighting

as I was driving away from the house, talking to Cash's Daddy on the phone red Fox ran across the street up ahead. I turned the corner and he was waiting in the same spot as the other day.
I think he is hanging out on Jay Strret. keeping watch over us. I love you CASHIE!!!!!
Cash's Mommy

Monday AM

Well, We made it thru this weekend. Tears and crying but some laughter too. I thought I would post to saythank you to all who are reading, praying, thinking about us. We really do hope for children to fill our home. Stripe has been racing around this morning like a steamtrain. Makes for a non quiet house. Which is good. I think Cash brought a huge storm in last night, so loud and wet and knocked the power out. Sometimes I think he is trying to wash some of the sadness away.
off to work. please keep up those prayers, good thoughts, good health to everyone and their babies.
Cash's Mommy

red fox returns

As I was walking Stripe this Am I heard some noise in an alley near our house. My head whipped over to see the most beautiful red fox, a young guy, running down the alley. He stopped, turned around and locked eyes with me. I just said"Hi Cashie" and he bowed his head and jumped into a neighbors yard. Oh, what a bittersweet thrill.
On the morning we arrived back home after Cash passed , Dave/Atta was standing at our front door. He then said a Red Fox just whipped thru our yard. It was beautiful and I could tell Dave thought it was his grandson Cashie, checking in on us and letting his family know he's ok, able bodies and running around.
I don't know how long this all takes, what to do next except live a life that will make my son proud of his Mommy. I just miss him so much. Yet I got out of bed again today, to see the red fox and know my son is safe where he is right now. Until he's with me again.
Please keep praying for us all,
Cash's Mommy

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my head hurts from crying

Hi, My head hurts from crying so much. When does it stop? I have been told this will get easier and in a few ways I am adjusting but my life is not normal at all. We are trying to figure out what normal is, what normal looks like, how to deal with all this sadness. When will we be happy again? Why did Cash have to have SMA? Why us? Why both of us? Why our son?We are seeing a therapist, and then another one tonight who knows us very well. And trying another form of therapy on Friday night. This is HARD WORK!!!

Stripe and I went to the vet today to get some shots. I had flashbacks of taking Cashie to the Doctors or even going to the Doctors myself all last year. Thank God it was a nice vet. I held it together until I got home. Then I talked to Page and broke down, again. Can't even make it to lunch with Annie. Can't do it today. This is rough.

We are still here, struggling. Please pray for us and our baby in heaven.

Cash's Mommy

made it thru

Today was a better day. I laughed today. My crew is amazing , I feel blessed to do what I do as a vacation.....plus there was this orange cat named Brody who hung out with me all day. Thank you for your prayers. That's the best medicine, it really helps. I also saw a Hawk. My best friend Tami, is back from her trip to maine. It just feels safer knowing she is 5 mins away.
Cash's mommy

Memorial Fund Update

Well, Holly Anderson just let me know that we have raised over $5, 000 so far for the Cash's Garden Fund. Thank you everyone for sending in checks. We are on our way to making this dream a reality.

We are doing ok, by that I mean, we are going to work, trying to fix our broken DVD player, getting therapy and exercise. Jane, my older sister was just here for 5 days. It was a great visit and I miss her already. Someone to make me eat regularly , someone to talk to about the Spiritual aspects of my Son, just someone to cry with during the day. It's hard to be alone during the day while working and need to cry and need to also function. There are many days I don't want to get out of bed but do. I know I am feeling down and that has never been a part of who I am. Never. It is like a part of me has gone. I pray it comes back.

Please say extra prayers for us today.

Cash's Mommy

MOOOOOSE

We saw Cash the other day, actually saw him 2 times. He let us know that our scary move back to Maine was right by standing right by the side of route 302 on top of Mount Washington with a baby moose. We were moving all our stuff last weekend over to Maine and BOOM there he was, lots of cars around to make us slow down and see the beauty, then on our way back to Vermont to close on our house when we were asking ourselves " Why are we doing this ???" we saw that same baby moose-only one car was stopped and he was about 10 feet from our car! It was like Cash was saying" Auntie Trish, this is your dream and remember the biggest risk in life is the one you don't take" Thanks so much Cash for giving me the strength to go forward with life. I know that if I can feel it all the way here in New England so strongly your folks must just get bowled over by your presence all around them. Love you!!!

Cash and tracey in Africa

Dear Page and Teri,

Greetings from Ndola , Zambia ! I tried to post something on the blog… and I just can’t figure out how to do it (feeling like a techno “old lady”).

Just want to let you know how much I have been thinking of you all. The other day we had a meeting with 18 of the women that work for “living compassion” in our school/food program and Jen asked them how many had lost a child. 16 of them raised their hand. 16 out of 18 of the women had lost at least one child, many had lost multiple children and most of them had lost their husbands. I immediately thought of the two of you… the huge difference here is that these women have a lot of support in that they can relate on this grieving process with each other daily. And I realized that the amount of peer support, the kind in which friends have had a direct experience of what you all have gone through is minimal if not absent. Made me realize how alone you must feel at times (and not from a lack of people, just lack of close relationships that have had the same experience of a loss of a child). And the whole thing has just left me holding you both in my heart throughout my days here and including you in the celebration of life that continues to be a part of the lives here.

I am attaching a picture taken the other morning. The area we are working in, kantolombe is a slum outside of the city of ndola , where there is no medical center, no electricity, no clean water and a high rate of malnutrition and disease. Last week an American doctor visiting from Botswana saw some of our folks and there were two that she suggested get to a Dr. immediately, one with severe abdominal pain and one with a HUGE sore on her leg. So I took them to a clinic, and it appears that the girl with the abdominal pain has abdominal TB and the one with the sore, Purity, has to go in every day this month for cleaning and packing of the sore. And in the last days we discovered 2 more with sores on their legs, so there are three of them that are going in to the clinic daily. The cleaning is so intense - they all scream and cry - it appears to be modern torture - and there is no other way. Two of them have infection under the skin around the sore which they scrape with razor blades and then the cleaning itself seems to be like putting acid on open wounds. It is amazing the motherly instinct that comes out in me - I feel like I would do anything for these girls ( 10yrs, 43 yrs, 14 yrs). Being in the medical arena seems to dissolve any barriers of culture, language and separateness for me, I just feel their humanness and hearts and feel like I would do anything it would take to help them move through the pain that will lead the road back to their health. The first day with Purity as I held her hand, rubbed her head and just put my hand behind her heart while she was going through her first treatment (she is 14) - I had a hard time not letting the tears just fall. The insanity of the unavailability of health care and the unnecessary pain deeply affected me. The sores that these girls have are a tropical disease caused by an insect bite. after the insect bites there is a pimple sort of thing and then without care they grow - and for Purity - hers she has had for a year, and it is about 3 1/2 inches in diameter (it is huge). If these girls had care form the beginning the process would be so simple - but instead - they grow and for Purity and Regina the deterioration is so close to the bone that without immediate care the infection would move into the bone which would result in an amputation at some point.

Having this medical experience has been so rich in that I realize when you take everything else away, really all there is to live for is Love. And Teri and Page, the love you embodied as parents inspires me to love these others who don’t necessarily have parents to love and care for them. And for that, together, we are making a difference in this world.

Lots of love,

Tracey

ps. we have been blogging while we are here, if you want to check it out, go to:
http://www.livingcompassion.org/africa/0707blog.html

What a Big Life it is

So last night Page and I were talking about this week: the 2 month marking of Cash passing(7/14) and his 6 month bday(7/18). I was saying to Page about what a big day yesturday was and what a big week it was. And as my wonderful husband responded " What a big Life it is."

You know, I have no idea or at least my ideas I am not able to share so publically right now , as to the why's of Cash passing. Why SMA, why us? I do know that my son is guiding me to be a better, healthier, stronger person than I ever knew I could be. Cash is a powerhouse.

This Am I was trying to take Spider for a run...which he and I both needed. Stripe was not going to be left alone at the house. He was whining as I shut the door and then not 5 seconds later Stripe jumped thru the front window screen and out onto the sidewalk to be with his mom and brother . Needless to say, We ended up talking a walk with the Stripe too. It's funny how much I need my son and then Stripe will bust through the window and show me how much he needs me.

Please keep reading, posting , calling.......it all means so much.It helps us to handle and walk thru this BIG LIFE we are living.

xo, Cash's mommy

Happy 6 months Cashie

So today Cash would have been 6 months old. It didn't hit me until I opened the paper up this AM. I had to count the months on my fingers to make sure I was right. 6 months ago I gave birth to a miracle. My heart and soul. It still seems amazing to me that I get to sleep a little bit more, that he's not right beside me in his bassinet or on my chest sleeping. And then I look over the side of the bed and there is Stripe who sleeps beside me now.
I really have no idea what I am doing, how I am moving on when I don't know what to do daily with myself. I keep asking for help and keep putting one foot in front of another. It has nothing to do with being strong.....it has to do with survival. I am just so emotionally fragile and really can only do so much. I get tired and then , well then it all gets even harder.
I am sorry if I have yet to return you emails or calls. I am trying. Please have patience.
I was talking to Spider yesterday about what we were doing 1 year ago...he and I were taking lots of naps due to the heat and my being pregnant. This year we are not taking as naps at all due to Stripe and it's scary to sleep sometimes.
We both hope that next summer will be different and we can be happy again, take a nap or two and hopefully have a baby(somehow) on the way to our home.
At my Mommy class there were a few little babies that were 6 months old when I met them. I remember thinking Cashie will be able to hold his head up by six months, he'll be that big. He'll play with his toys like those other boys are. Now I picture Cashie playing with all his trucks and other little boys that are able bodied and he is smiling and happy.
I miss my baby so much. Please be kind to me today universe. It's a big day.
Cash's Mommy

Cash on the Roaring Fork River!

Last weekend we took one of Cash's little buddies, Cullin Lawhon, down the Roaring Fork River. Cullin was ready to hit the water but was a little aprehensive. We suited him up, put him on the raft and he wasn't a happy man. However, within a little while he began to chill out and started to enjoy the ride. By the end of the day he was loving it! I know that Cash was there with him - giving him that little dose of bravery (something that Cash knows a lot about) to make it down the river. Cash is all arond us, giving us what we need when we need it most. His courage and might will always be a force for us all. I know that Cullin was glad to have him along....Thank you, Cash!

We love you guys!

A+B=C

glass half full

What am I doing? That's what I ask myself a lot these days. it's hard to keep going when my heart is so broken.....and then a nice person will share something with me and I see that I am here on Earth for some purpose...and I need to keep remembering that my glass is half full.

I just miss Cash so much. Grief is a tough one, to still try and be a part of the daily life I lead(being a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, owning a business, being a boss, being a heart broken Mommy) you know sometimes I ask God Why? and then sometimes i just so THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!!

I have had many emails and calls this week from dear people sharing their life stories with me and friends that say they read the blog all the time. That makes me feel great that this is being read.

More of our neighbors are coming out to express how sorry they are for us. It really helps me feel safer in this world when the people we live next to are aware of what 's going on.

I went to Winter Park today to see my favorite singer ever-Slaid Cleaves. It was a tough trip and a good trip. trying to take care of what I really need and not care about what anyone else does is a tough one for me....so today was a big step. This week was a big for me. I also stood up to someone who I have let has in the past really do a number on me....but I stood up to her and told her to never speak to me again in the way that she did. Scary but necessary.

I thought I had a good backbone before now I am starting to realise how strong it is. Watch out world!

My glass is half full.it has to be.Cash wouldn't have it any other way. God bless my son. God bless all you who love us. God bless my broken heart.

Cash's Mommy

1 in 4

Yesterday we went to see the parenatologist. He clearly outlined the odds of us conceiving another child with SMA (1 in 4). It was hard to be right next to the room where we found out Cash was going to be Cash and not Lila. The odds also give us something concrete to wrap our minds around and begin to make decisions or at least have conversations.

I think that we will be provided with signs about what to do. Like last night it rained, we saw someone from our birthing class, and there was a Muhammad Ali fight on where we were having dinner. It's clear to me, Cash is with us. It's also just plain old exhausting and there's no guide book or anything to help you find your way. That's why it's been good to talk with other folks who have been our position. Though it's always a leap of faith, there's other people out there who can help provide some insight from experience.

As always your calls help a ton. Just to check in. If you see signs of Cash out there please let us know. It's great to hear all the place's he's been.

All our Love,

Cash's Daddy

Hope for us

We found a group that makes some sense. Last night Page and I went to a Colorado SIDS group. Even though the diagnosis and circumstances around the children's passing may be different we were surrounded by parents who also have lost their infant. It was heart wrenching, uplifting, so sad and yet so helpful all at the same time. I am kind of exhausted today and in a way I feel we have taken a big step down that winding road. The people we are meeting on this path ....it's like: wow, you are so nice, so glad to have met you and yet I wish I never had to meet you at all.

There is hope though. There just has to be. I cried all day yesterday and only once so far today. I actually laughed with my dear friend Jennifer at lunch today. Laughed.......I have to believe that there is a plan for the three of us. And it's a good plan.

It's amazing to me how people find out and contact us. Dear friends from high school/college that I haven't spoken to in years have called, emails, sent cards, read the blog........My kid is a powerhouse. I believe he was sent here to change the world.
all my love to everyone who is reading......
cash's mommy

My son Cash-day he was born

Meet Cash right when he was born. I look at this and see what a fighter he was. He came early and was so perfect. I was so scared . You may have received your postcard in the mail this week or last. We are trying to get the word out that the Memorial Fund for Cash's Garden is set and running at The Children's Hospital Foundation. Info about the how to's and where are listed above.

We are struggling. My tears flow all the time, I get a break at times during the day, but then it hits all over again. People said when we first got home from the hospital that this was going to be a long road, I did not want to think that would be us...well...almost 7 weeks out and it's a long long bumpy windy dark road that we are trying to navigate...but there is no map for this.

We desperately want to find some couple to talk to that has walked this walk before us and gone on to have more children. A couple that lost their first child when it was an infant....we feel like the only couple on the planet sometimes that lost their first kid.

Cash is with me everyday. He lets me know he's around. I see Butterflies all the time.

Other ways to help:

call/email/check in with us. It's not always easy for me to pick up the phone when I am hurting this bad.

Help me plan a Game Night for Cash....maybe with poker and Bunco to raise $ for the Garden Fund.

Send your photos of your adventure with Cash in your tshirt. Celebrate the great soul of Cash.

I ask myself(and my sisters and Mom) all the time: There has to be a reason, what is it? I do trust that there is a reason for this to happen. That there are other plans for Page, Cash and I on this Earth. Just believing that helps get me out of bed daily when I don't want to.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Cash's Mommy