October

Hey, it's October. I finally feel like I am coming out of a fog. I am really aware of how Cash is with me ALL the time. I was just practicing guitar and playing with the dogs...thinking...I am feeling OK right now. Cash is safe where he is...Mommy is safe...puppies are safe. We did get a second band for the Benefit Concert. And we meet with Children's this month to talk about the Garden. It feels better, like we are on our way. That this time is for us to heal and really live Cash's Spirit to the fullest.

The big thing I know: Is that Cash chose to leave his SMA body. That is wasn't my fault he left us. I thought it was my fault. I am his mom and I couldn't protect him from that. So, I am working on letting go of that guilt. Do all Mommy's have so much guilt?If so, I would love to hear about Mommy Guilt if anyone cares to share.

Happy Pumpkin Month to my little Pumpkin,

Cash's Mommy

wreath making

Hi, So many people have asked if I journal. Well, this is my current journal. For anyone who wants to to read. This is all just way too big to keep to myself, and I hope that someday Page and I will be available to help someone who may need it.

I was at the Grocery store today , wearing my Team Cash t-shirt. I had just come from the gym where I always wear my Team shirt. The nice Starbucks lady said" Oh, what a cute shirt, what a cute baby" And for the FIrst TIME I just said" yeah, he is. That's my son."and didn't start to cry. I am just happy that he is my son. That he chose me and Page to be his Parents.

I had even put on a vest to enter the store b/c sometime I think I get looks while wearing the shirts. (or that could just be in my head)

So to celebrate that milestone of healing : I made A Pyracnatha Wreath for our front door. I just love the orange berries. And it does make for a Broncos door b/c our door is blue. Hope Page likes it.

We had a huge break thru yesterday. We are working with a wonderful person, to guide us thru our journey as Parents. As Mother and Father to this unbelievable perfect and special little person, Cash. I feel lighter today than I have in months. Today: I trust that everything is going to be ok. Trusting my guts.

xo, cash's mommy

fri nite

Hi, It was a rough week. some good points, loads of tears. Lots of work to be done. It's hard to remember that all the decisions Page and I are facing about how to proceed with our lives are going to be OK. All the decisions we ever made for Cash, even how he was born, were easy....and also the hardest things to decide. But we didn't even have to discuss it. We just both felt the same way. We want what is best for our child. I am very lucky to have married my Best Friend and partner in life. It's hard to watch Page be so sad. So heartbroken. We know we will never be the same people we once were.
So Cashie, what is best for you is to be in Heaven , hanging out with PapaScan, playing with your trucks(because that's how I picture you, big enough to play) and Lila, and Grandmother...and baby Kai. It's your job right now to show him the ropes up there and teach him how to contact his Parents. You are my angel. I miss you so much Pumpkin. Please pray for Daddy and me to be OK this weekend. To be safe and have good moments.
I love you CutiePants.
Mommy

Humor, Gratitude, Sweetness

I went to Denver this past Saturday for the first time since going to visit Cash at Children's.

Just before I left, I went to hear a speaker (Sue Fredrick) at a Women's Health Day fair. She had so many enlightening things to say, but this is what I took away from it: Humor, Gratitude, Sweetness. Humor to laugh at the absurdity of life, Gratitude for those around you that make life worth living and Sweetness, like that found in the eyes of an innocent but wise newborn baby ...

The energy we have and exude everyday effects everyone around you, even people you don't know, thought is powerful. To prove that this is true she told a story of a study done with two men that had never met before. They were introduced and one was put into a room with monitors of all kinds (heart, brainwaves, etc.). The other man was put into a room with a computer screen and was told to think a thought - any thought - about this man he did not know every time he saw his picture.

The result? The monitors showed a recorded reaction every time Man #2 had a thought about him! Imagine what the results would have been if these two men were friends!

I thought about Cash and the Scanlon-Phillips family the whole time I was there. And when I pulled back in to Boulder, near dusk, I saw him! Cash's Fox was hanging out in North Boulder near his grandparents house. He's thinking about us, and we are thinking about him – with Humor, Gratitude, and Sweetness.

Love,
Alli

(btw, Teri & Page, I hope you got my message last Thursday that I was coming b/c I wanted to stop in and say hello, I only had one phone number so let me know if there is a better one)

latest update on Garden Fund

Hi Tess~
Great to hear from you. I was actually going to send you an email this afternoon with the latest and greatest tribute report. Please find attached a list of names and addresses of those who have sent in gifts since August 29th. We are officially up to $19,371!

Holly is going to meet with Page and I in October to talk about what the next steps are for making this Garden happen.

As I have been thinking alot about my son, as I always do, the pain never goes away. It doesn't even get less........there are times when I can function for longer periods of time without crying or being sad but the pain is the same..always so strong...takes my breath away.

I know that this is a time for great Faith . Faith that we will be OK, that Cash is OK, that we will have kids filling up our home, making noise, making a mess ,making us crazy. Our dear friend Jim robbins came to visit this weekend. He has 3 kids. Jim was telling us about Soccer days in Boseman. How crazy it can get and how much fun it is to watch the little ones all run in a herd around the soccer field. I just thought it sounded like Heaven. Page and I have to have so much Faith that we will have that herd of kids running around and that Cashie will be with us always. Sometimes I just want to drive up to an orphanage(or wherever kids that need families are) and fill my truck, and fill the house with noises, with love, with laughter.

I spoke with Janet from Baltimore on Sat nite. She is the Mom to Cullum. They were on NPR b/c they want to raise awareness about SMA. Cullum has Type 1 SMA, just like Cash. He is 19 months old. They are trying all these alternative therapies for him. He is showing great progress. It was amazing to talk to another Mom about SMA. I have really just put it out of my line of vision. I have been so Angry at SMA. It's very scary to think about getting pregnant again. I don't feel strong at all in that area. Not yet. If you are related to Page or Myself and thinking about having kids....do the genetic testing for SMA. Because it runs in our families.

You know, I was telling Page the other day that I rarely get lonely, even when I was working by myself for all those years gardening. I have always really enjoyed my own company. Then last year I was pregnant and I would talk to Cashie all day long and I certainly didn't feel lonely.
Now, I feel lonely without Cashie. I miss him so much. Feeding him, changing his diaps, snuggling him all day long. I miss my baby. I want him back. I need to have patience.
I need a miracle.
So for anyone that is reading....could you please take a minute and just ask whatever it is you may believe in for a miracle for Page and I.

Thank you

Cash's Mommy

jane's Team Cash Biking with her helmet on backwards adventure. We love you Auntie Janer

Yesterday, 9/22----some friends and I (Kim, Kelly and Doug) celebrated Cash by biking on the Virginia Creeper Trail . It is a beautiful place and one of my favorites. We felt his spirit all day. We laughed a lot (I cried a bit too) and enjoyed the beauty of this natural wonder---which is right off the Appalachian Trail. I miss my little nephew. I miss being able to buy and make him the kinds of things only aunties get to buy and make. I ache everyday for my sister and my brother in law. I--like---so many of my fellow/sistah bloggers am SO inspired by these 2. When I was in Colorado this summer visiting I was so moved at how they just keep on keepin' on. I asked Teri how she did it and she said something about "life being for living". I am taking that sentiment to the bank and CASHing it in.

To be our best is such a tribute to Cashie Scanlon Phillips----my little nephew.

love, auntie Janer

Stil out here

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything on the blog. I am out here and doing my best. It's still very day to day as we try to live with the hole that is with us. Especially when you consider that it's only been just over 4 months since we were in the hospital. . . . . I've been watching Muhammad Ali videos and feeling Cash with me. He urges me to keep going, always. What a fighter.

We have lots of love in our life which is incredible and we are blessed. Thank you to you all who are keeping tabs on us.

My love to everyone.