It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Last week I was feeling debilitated with Father's Day. Thank god for Teri, Spider, and Stripe. They kept me out of the black hole I kept dopping into. I just wasn't feeling like a father. Today I'm happy to say that I do. I know Teri posted about our weekend, but I've got to say that she made me feel super special. Almost like a birthday. She's an amazing person, an incredible mom, and wonderful wife.

I think that one of the most unique things that happened on Father's Day was that we saw a semi actually use a runaway Truck ramp. I've got to say it's a once in a lifetime type of thing. It's the kind of thing that you see, you see the tire tracks in them, sometimes you even see a semi in them, but to actually see a truck use the ramp was amazing. I know that it was Cash letting me know that he was with us.

I've been back to work which has actually been pretty nice. Everyone at work has been pretty incredible with me. Super patient and kind. They've given me lots of space to get things done, but they also understand that I need the time to just stare blankly at my computer screen. I've also posted pictures of Cash all around me to help remind me that I still need to be the best dad that I can be.

So really that's what this last week has brought me. I was full of despair that I didn't feel like a father at all, and now for some unexplained reason I'm knowing that I need to be the best father that I can possibly be, even though Cash isn't physically with us. I hope that makes sense. That feels pretty huge and it's what's keeping me going. Small steps. I've also realized this week that to a certain degree I need to help folks figure out how to talk with me. I need you to act normal and let me talk about my child. Normal isn't ignoring what has happened, it's just not being freaked out by me and what's happened.

To answer a few questions: Yes we are incredibly sad. Yes we need to be distracted. Yes we are taking care of ourselves. Yes we are getting exercise. Yes we have hope about the future. Yes we do laugh. Yes we do cry. Yes we miss our son. Yes we need you to call. Yes we need to talk about Cash. Yes we are super excited about the healing garden. Yes we will have more kids. Yes, we are being kind to each other. . . . . . . .

I sincerely want to thank everyone who has been writing and calling and sending e-mails. A special thanks to those of you who called for Father's Day. It really made my heart feel good to hear from you. We just can't thank you enough for all of your support. The notes seem to show up at the perfect time as do the phone calls. We love you all so much.