It's really hard when someone says to me "It must have happened for a reason . . " I start to look for answers as to why this happened. There is no answer, and if my son was taken away from me for a "reason", I feel like I must be a pretty bad person. It's a really bad spiral and it takes a while for me to pull myself out of it. Some things do happen for a reason. A fender bender, not getting work finished, tripping on a curb. Things like that seem to have reasons as to why. But in Cash's case . . . . no way. So I'm left wondering why does something like this happen to people who have prepared and poured their hearts and souls into it. It sucks not having that answer and I'm not being pessimistic about it either. I recognize that there have been some truly amazing and wonderful occurences in the aftermath and believe me when I say that it helps. But it definitely doesn't eliminate the pain or provide the answers.
I hope this makes sense. I've been thinking about it for a few days and getting pretty angry about the "it happened for a reason" response. Medically I've got my reason, and I pray that a spiritual one will come to me. We still have lots of tears and questions and frustrations. I cried all the way to work today when "tears in heaven" played on the radio. I wasn't expecting it, but it's always so wonderful to feel Cash with me.
Please keep calling and a big thanks to all of you that have been.
All our love,
Cash's Daddy
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