salt lake city

Hello from SLC,
Page, Spider and I just got down from a hike.my first w/out Cash on my chest......but he was with us. I am finding that We landed here on Sunday night to the open arms of Betsy, Bill , Sky and Zackie..oh what a wonderful family. They have opened up their home to us and taken care of Page, Spider and I, with yummy meals, walks, maps to wherever we need to go and the openness to let us talk about Cash when we need to and to talk about other things when we can't.
you know, I still don't know why this happened.......why God would give us Cash and took him away......and then I remember that Cash chose page and I to be his parents for a reason, and that he could have chosen not to come at all. I keep hearig stories of Women and men who have lost babies at Childbirth and in utero.and then I think how grateful I am that i got to be super mommy to my little boy cash. living in the good places is way better for me that focussing on the bad
.and how this whole in my heart will ever be filled again. I think it will be there forever......b/c nothing will ever fill the whole...not a van, a puppy, a movie.nothing. I do keep asking Cash to come back to me. Page asked me today "in what form?' I definately vacillate in between reality and not reality. I trust that Page and I will survive this pain.not sure how sometimes...talking about future kids helps. Knowing that I need to grieve in a healthy way also helps me ride the waves of utter devastating sadness that crash over me at night. Besty took me to a Hip Hop dance class last night. I didn't know if I could focus on anything for 60 mins. But it really helped to get into my body and dance. Hiking helps too........so all the Mountain Mamas out there please hugs your babies tight on your hikes. I think Cash will forever be my little hiking buddy.today he was holding my hand, walking beside me, talking to me the whole way. I loved it.
Please keep calling..303-550-4310 or 303-550-5211...contact is really good for us right now. or emailing or blogging.
love, cash's mommy